The “Princess Diana” Bible: walking the fine line between clever and stupid

There’s an unknown filmmaker in New Mexico who has come up with an interesting idea to promote his independent film about “two bio-geneticists whose Formula 4708 reverses the whole world’s sexual orientation.”

He is in the process of writing what he calls the “Princess Diana Bible,” so named because of her many “good works.” It might be a more effective name if there was evidence that Diana had spored the two heirs to the British throne rather than have Prince Charles participate in their creation. Then again, putting myself in the shoes of a woman, I cannot imagine a sexual attraction to Prince Chuck so it is not at all logically impossible for me, but I digress.

This filmmaker calls his bible “divinely inspired” and, more interestingly, a “translation.”

“There are many different versions of the Bible, I don’t see why we can’t have one,” he explains on his website princessdianabible.com. I guess “we” means gay people and man haters, all rolled into one. For the father of Cain and Abel was not Adam, but the serpent who tempted Eve. And, that — according to this “brilliant” work — is why men have serpent shaped “members.”

Lo, the fine line between clever and stupid hath been revealed!

The filmmaker’s film looks interesting, and I will be bold enough to add: “almost clever.” It is the year 2017 and Pat Robertson and James Dobson (I imagine this was a last minute cut-addition after the death of Jerry Falwell) win the White House under the platform of a “War on Sex.” To battle this “War on Sex,” Robertson orders the production of this special formula designed to suppress sex, but it backfires and makes everybody gay. It appears that this leads to the creation of the “Princess Diary” bible and rampant discrimination against, well, those who can breed.

If I can be so bold as to help this filmmaker/hack author with the premise: how about making it a “War on Gay Sex,” but the formula backfires, makes everyone gay so we have to start procreating in petri-dishes, and we don’t need to deal with a rewritten Bible at all?

No, that just won’t do. Instead, we have these wonderful additions to the book of Genesis:

Ge2:18 And the LORD God said, It is not good that this woman be alone; I will make her a mate.
Ge2:19 And the LORD God formed every beast of the field, and every fowl of the air; and brought them unto Aida to see what she would call them: and whatsoever Aida called every living creature, that was the name.
Ge2:20 And Aida gave names to all cattle, and to the fowl of the air, and to every beast of the field; but for Aida there was not found a mate for her.
Ge2:21 And the LORD God caused a deep sleep to fall upon Aida, and she slept: and he took one of her ribs, and closed up the flesh thereof;
Ge2:22 And the rib, which the LORD God had taken from woman, made he another woman, and brought her unto the first.
Ge2:23 And Aida said, This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh: she shall be called Eve, because she was taken out of me.
Ge2:24 Therefore shall a woman leave her mother, and shall cleave unto her wife: and they shall be one flesh.

Ge3:24 And God drove out the woman; and he placed at the east of the garden of Eden Cherubims, and a flaming sword which turned every way, to keep the way of the tree of life.
Ge4:1 And Eve conceived, and bore Cain, and said, we have created a child in God’s image. And God said the male was different than the woman because he was fathered by the serpent. The man’s member is different than the woman’s because it resembles the head of his father, the serpent.

Oh, you just have to love that last one. It would be so well-crafted and clever, if men only fathered boys and women spored little girls.

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